On depth and heaviness
It was my friend's birthday last week.
Instead of presents he asked his friends to reflect on the value of life through sharing their memento mori (an artwork designed to remind of mortality). For me, this resonated a lot.
The painting above is what I shared.
It is part of a series of paintings of water and the sea I drew on heavy, rainy and sad days a few years ago. It reminds me of my darkness and the sorrows I feel. Moments of despair, my pain and the pain around me. And it feels relieving to express it and to look at it.
People around me sometimes turn away when I talk about or show my heaviness.
It is too much for many to feel. It might trigger something and some people don't want to go there. I understand that. It is not an easy place.
But I have learned to see its value. To look heaviness in the eyes. To dive deeply into it. Or at least this is what I try.
In it there is so much potential. Because through the heaviness I can see and appreciate the lightness.
I didn't really choose this path. I was led into it through my experiences in life, which means that I didn't have it easy. I think that if I could have I would have chosen differently. But now I am here and I see it as my task to look at and give space to this deep heaviness.
I went through a heavy depression with strong thoughts of ending my life when I was 12 years old. The experience has marked me deeply. For a long time I pushed away and suppressed these memories and feelings. But they were never gone and started making themselves more noticeable ten years later.
So I was forced to look at them, to invite the heaviness and to dive into these heavy times. I am still in this process. And I have support.
Over the last years I have started to share my story with people around me. To open a door also for others. Because I know that I am not alone.
I see this as a task given to me. And it is such a fulfilling task.
sending light love,
informed by deep heaviness
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